NNRM #4: These Rainy Autumn Nights

by Erin Elkin

“The outside world may wish us dead,” I concede. “But is it better to sit here, helping and hurting each other in turn, going nowhere and doing nothing? At least...” “At least?” she asks despite herself. “At least all three of us could face that together. At least it would give us a reason to do more than pour salt into each other’s wounds.”

In 2015, I was presenting female in pretty much all aspects of my life. I had just moved, just changed jobs, gotten the bulk of the legal stuff filed away, and my overall feeling was less of joy and more of exhaustion, and resentment. I was mad that so much of my life for the previous few years had revolved around being trans - not just the HRT appointments and the checkups and logistics... but also learning make-up, and voice training, and doing everything I could to not be "clocky". I wanted my life back, to be able to actually finally live and be myself.

Today, a decade later - I am unhappy with my presentation, but I feel so stuck, trapped by inevitability and inertia. Every aspect of my gender has been rolled around in my mind a million times, has of a thousand questions behind it. I am attempting to retransition - or maybe resume my transition, and struggle to find the courage to just do it. Is this forward progress? Am I going backwards?

Erin captures the melancholy and self-destructiveness of the trans experience.

4/5

Ebook available on itch.io here.